Is healing from alcohol abuse and trauma possible after decades of struggle? This is a question that haunted Jenny for years as she battled alcohol dependence that began in her early teens. Born into a strict Catholic family in 1963, Jenny was the fourth of five children in a household that moved frequently due to her father’s career as a United States Forester. Her journey from childhood sexual trauma to alcohol dependency and finally to recovery reveals how comprehensive healing from alcohol abuse and trauma requires both acknowledging past wounds and finding new paths forward. Through Jenny’s story, we see that even after the darkest experiences, transformation is possible.

Trigger Warning: This post contains descriptions of sexual abuse, suicide and trauma.

Early Trauma and the Beginning of Dependency

I was born in 1963 into a strict Catholic family, the 4th of 5 children. I was sweet and innocent as a child (we are all born that way!) and extremely sensitive. My father was a United States Forester, and he was transferred every 1-2 years, so we moved a lot. I was always the new kid in school, and I was frequently the target of bullying, which terrified and traumatized me.

We stayed in the same city from 8th grade through my high school years. I was repeatedly sexually molested by two boys in my 8th grade year and was sexually assaulted by a stranger who broke into our home that same year. This is when I found alcohol. What a relief! Alcohol comforted me. It took away my feelings of loneliness and shame.

My parents were emotionally unavailable, and my siblings were each struggling with their own turmoil, so I felt lonely all the time. I felt shame because of the sexual assaults, and I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I kept the sexual assaults secret for a long time. Alcohol became my best friend. I mainly drank on the weekends while out with friends. We somehow were always able to get our hands on beer or wine. I looked older than my young 15 years and was often able to buy it myself.

Growing Awareness of a Problem

From an early age, I realized that alcohol was a problem for me. I vomited it up a LOT in my teenage years, while my friends didn’t drink the quantity I did, and therefore I was the only one getting sick. I left for college at the tender age of 17, and I immediately became a daily drinker!

Living at home with my parents had limited my ability to drink on a regular basis, and now I was free to do as I pleased. I journaled that first year in college that I might be an alcoholic, because my friends would want to call it a night and I wanted to keep drinking until I had my fill, but I never could get enough.

The Deepening Cycle of Dependency

Alcohol became an issue almost immediately for me. In high school, I got into trouble for drinking and was often grounded. I quit college in my second year and the next decade became a never-ending party. At 28, I married and we were drinking buddies for the next 7 years until we divorced.

I knew my drinking was a problem. I was told by my doctor and my therapist that a 12-step program was the ONLY WAY to get sober. My first A.A. meeting was in 2000. My experience in A.A. was fraught with sexual abuse, more shame, and I couldn’t stop drinking. I felt like a loser. A failure. I couldn’t get it.

In 2002, I went to my first 30-day treatment and was able to stop drinking. I met my second husband, and we had 10 beautiful and alcohol-free years together! Tragedy struck when he took his life in 2014. He was a victim of the opioid crisis, and that’s a whole different story.

Traumatized

His death was a huge trauma for me. I found the love of my life hanging in our garage, and at that moment my life took a turn into a darkness I had never known. The next years were the most difficult times in my life. I lost everything. I filed for bankruptcy. My home went into foreclosure. I was forced to close my painting studio, which I loved. I regularly had sex with strange men. And I drank, and I drank, and I drank 24/7.

During that time, I also went to numerous treatments, both in- and out-patient. I was committed by the county and was forced into 4 months of inpatient treatment followed by a halfway house. As soon as I was released I drank. I was in and out of A.A. I was arrested for disorderly conduct, while drunk, and spent 24 hours in jail. My sister died from cancer at age 57. Three years later my dad died from Covid. I was admitted to the psych ward twice. My life had become a living hell.

Failed Attempts at Control

I controlled alcohol the way lots of people have! No drinking before “X” time, which always got earlier and earlier in the day. Buy “X” amount of liquor and when that was gone, I would be done. I’ve made plenty of second trips to the liquor store to get more. I’ve made lots of rules for myself and broke every one of them!

Finding a New Path to Recovery

I started going to counseling once a week a couple years ago. I loved my therapist, who knew me and my family very well, and last November he mentioned a book by Annie Grace, This Naked Mind. He wrote it on a sticky note, and I put it on my fridge and looked at it for a couple of months.

I finally ordered the book and read it. WOW. This spoke directly to me! Then the 5-day virtual event with Annie appeared on my Facebook feed, which I attended, and I signed up for the PATH. Another WOW. These people speak my language! This is my tribe! These are my people! I finally belong…

This program helped me understand that healing from alcohol abuse and trauma requires addressing both simultaneously. For the first time, I found an approach that spoke to both my past wounds and my current struggles with alcohol.

The Beginning of True Healing

I joined my Path in March of 2024. My Burn the Boats decision to begin my new alcohol-free life came on May 1st of 2024. I have managed to heal the relationships with my sister and Mom. My health has returned. I sleep. I eat healthy food.

In my Path, I have made many new friends, and now have a community that I am a part of, something I’ve never had before. And so many more positive things are happening for me. Have you heard of the rubber band effect? You are pulled so far back into the darkness, that when you finally let go, you are catapulted so fast and so far into the light! That is what happened to me after joining TNM Path.

The program offered me tools specifically designed for healing from alcohol abuse and trauma, approaching both with compassion rather than shame or judgment. This holistic approach made all the difference in my recovery journey.

Living Authentically After Breaking the Cycle

I am now living as my true authentic self, free from alcohol, full of love and light and joy, like I’ve never experienced before!!! It makes me tear up when I think of all the years I lived in such a lonely, dark and scary place.

My relationships with family members have healed. Relationships that I thought were lost forever. My life is blooming in unexpected ways! I have a very rich spiritual life, something I’ve never had before. I’m excited to get up every day, and I “get to” do things now, I don’t “have to”. Life is just totally different, a complete turnaround for me.

A Message to My Former Self

Often when we look back at this journey there is shame, regret, and wishes we’d done things differently. I wish I could go back and tell myself this – You are not broken. You were never broken. You are a beautiful woman who deserves to live a full, rich, happy, and joyous life. And you will!!!

Break Free from the Cycle

Are you on your own journey of healing from alcohol abuse and trauma? Would you love to interrupt patterns that no longer serve you and rewrite your relationship with alcohol? Join The Path and find your freedom just like Jenny did!

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